There’s outrage and uproar in the sleepy suburb of Shirley, according to reports in the Croydon Grauniad.

A couple who are not dogging in the Shirley Hills. Apparently

The freebie paper’s online edition’s best-read news report of the last 24 hours is one which glories in having the headline:

“Police hunting horny pensioners after complaints about dogging in Shirley parks”.

The report comes complete with extensive quotes from a suitably upright member of the Metropolitan constabulary.

And there’s a description of quite what is meant by “dogging”, presumably to avoid any Peter Kay-style misinterpretations, together with location details of where it is all going on.

According to the report, the police are taking action against “rampant pensioners” involved in the activity. The policeman interviewed expresses surprise that pensioners should be involved, although he doesn’t explain how he ascertained the age of the doggers.

But the report does advise: “Romping hotspots near Shirley Hills have been used by brazen love-makers for years and are ranked among the best locations in the UK on dogging websites.”

So there’s at least one thing in which Croydon leads the country. And, we suggest, it has been achieved without the active intervention of any of Croydon’s 70 councillors. Unless, of course, our loyal reader can inform us otherwise.

But the paragraph in the report which grasped our particular attention suggested to us that maybe, despite all the staff cuts at the Croydon Grauniad, there is someone working in their news room who has a touch of (hitherto unappreciated) genius:

“Vigilante groups have also sprung up in protest at the exhibitionist behaviour, with people taking matters into their own hands to catch doggers in the act.”

Take a bow, reporter Andrea Downey.

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