EXCLUSIVE: In a special gesture on a special day, Conservative politician Jason Perry wants to give Croydon’s long-suffering residents something to laugh about with a new stand-up act, ‘I wanna tell you a Tory’
You don’t need Hans: Max Bygraves is one of Perry’s all-time variety heroes. Allegedly
Jason Perry, the Mayor of Croydon, is about to fulfil a lifetime’s ambition and perform a stand-up comedy routine at the Fairfield Halls, at the opening night of Croydon’s year as the Borough of Culture.
The act has been kept top secret by aides working on the seventh floor at Fisher’s Folly, where Perry has been rehearsing since the start of the year.
According to one source: “They say that Croydon has become a laughing stock. Mayor Perry is determined to prove them wrong.”
Perry’s show, which some say with encores can last up to an hour and a half (“And that’s 89 minutes too long”), is the kind of tribute act that has often been staged at the Fairfield Halls. Perry’s act features some of the best gags of his comedy heroes: Bernard Manning, Les Dennis, Jim Davidson and Max Bygraves.
Warm-up: might there be some of Jim Davidson’s material in the act?
Echoing Bygraves, Perry has called the show, “I wanna tell you a Tory.”
The climax features a musical number, when he is joined on stage by his old South Croydon councillor colleague, Maria “Gatling” Gatland, to sing a number from the musical Annie Get Your Gun.
And the finale is a tribute to Brexit, when Perry and Gatland, together with their talented chums Tony Pearson and Mark Johnson make a complete song and dance of their version of Bygrave’s all-time favourite, adapted for 2023, entitled: “You [Don’t] Need Hans”.
According to one source who has had exclusive access to the rehearsals, Perry and his gang show will take to the stage in the 1,600-seater Concert Hall as a warm-up act to the London Mozart Players’ performance of the new classical music piece, Oratorio of Hope.
“If this doesn’t shift some tickets, nothing will,” said the insider at the Mayor’s Parlour.
Source of material: the late Bernard Manning
“Jason Perry is a proud Croydonian. He’s determined to put Croydon on the map.
“And he wants the people of Croydon to get their money’s worth for their 15per cent Council Tax hike, and the £82,000 per year in allowances he’s been pocketing since becoming Mayor. Jase sees this as the perfect way to ‘give something back’.”
Plans are already afoot for Mayor Perry to take the show on the road to all parts of the borough during the Borough of Culture year, with venues lined up including public lavatories (at least, the ones that haven’t already been closed due to austerity cuts), public libraries (on the days when they are not open), and at the Purley Oaks dump.
As well as lifting some of Bygraves’, Manning’s and Davidson’s material that no one has dared perform since the turn of the century, the defiantly un-woke Perry and his crew will have some new gags, written by the Sage of Selsdon herself, Anne Piles, with contributions from Banstead resident Mario Creatura.
Inside Croydon has obtained a top secret copy of the script.
JASON: Oi! Oi! Hello Croydon! How are we all? Waddya mean, you couldn’t afford a ticket after you got your Council Tax bill?
JASON: Now take my wife… I wish someone would [pause for huge amounts of laughter]… No, be fair, be fair ladies and gentlemen. And anyone else, in these gender neutral days of ours. My wife has some good ideas. It was her who said: If you’re going to create huge amounts of hardship, create a Hardship Fund. No joke!
JASON: Two’s company… three in a public place will get you arrested thanks to Rishi’s crackdown on yobs. Oi! Oi!
JASON: There’s one good thing about Rishi’s crackdown on yobs. Making them clean up their mess while wearing hi-viz gear. It means my days of picking up litter while wearing an orange tabard are over.
JASON: There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, and they all got arrested thanks to Rishi’s crackdown on yobs. Have I told you I’m good at recycling?
JASON: Too many people in Croydon haven’t got a pot to piss in. That’s why we’re going to let them piddle in the Purley Pool.
Those are among the best bits. In fact, they are the best bits.
Certifiable: one of the certificates to be presented tonight. The cost has so far not been revealed by the press office
The performance will conclude with Perry announcing what some are calling the Simon Hall of Shame, and the presentation of some special certificates to some of the time servers from the council who have done so much to make Perry the man that he is today.
Among the prizes to be handed out are:
- Alderman of Aggravated Austerity
- Burgher of Bankruptcy
- Freeman of Failure and
- Freedom of the Borough of Fiasco
Inside Croydon understands that a final decision about Jason Perry making his comedy debut ahead of tonight’s gala performance at the Fairfield Halls will be taken at around noon today, April 1.
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