For one day only: the exciting new offer in the old Allders building. And Mayor Perry gets a free box of chicken wings
Monsoon has gone. WH Smith is soon to be no more. Sainsbury’s packed up and left. So has Body Shop. But after more than a decade of broken promises, “a bold, new retail era is being launched” by Westfield in what remains of the old Allders building on Croydon’s high street.
Seven new “microshops” are set to be unveiled in the abandoned space formerly occupied by Croydon Village Outlet, a discount store that was set up in the former department store 2013 as a cynical ploy to cash in when the council came knocking with a compulsory purchase order.
Until now, Westfield has only said that it was installing seven “kiosks”.
The types of businesses included in this new venture have otherwise been kept tightly under wraps, as they continue working on their North End Quarter Masterplan for the 13th year in succession.
But Inside Croydon can reveal exclusively the full line-up of what’s set to open at midday today.
Here are the confirmed tenants:
- Wetherspoon Express – all the ambience of a full Wetherspoons, squeezed into 3 square yards (Tim Martin refuses to do metric). No toilets, no windows, terribly sticky carpets.
- Vape U Like – fruity, flashy and a little unpredictable. Just like Croydon.
- Bet 24/7 – lose money any time, day or night.
- Travel Luggage Land – premium travel bags for people going absolutely nowhere.
- Kenley Fried Chicken – where dreams are deep-fried.
- The Phone Clinic – the only thing in Croydon that still gets repaired.
Inside sources suggest that Westfield have so far been unable to find a tenant for the seventh kiosk, which could have troubling implications for the viability of the scheme overall.
“It’s getting late in the process, the cubicle is just locked up and empty at the minute,” according to a reliable source. “The number-crunchers at Westfield are prepared to consider anything, from a wellness hub, an immersive art installation or they could even do another one of those pointless ‘community engagement zones’, where the council pretends to give a shit about what the public think.”
Croydon Mayor Jason Perry, flushed with excitement and a free portion of wings, is expected to issue a press release later today claiming all the credit for the scheme himself and hailing it as “the start of something remarkable” – although he’s unlikely to say exactly what.
Croydon residents are encouraged to pop down for the grand opening at midday and support this brave new vision for retail. Or at least to stare at it in disbelief.
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