Croydon BID, the business “improvement” (we use the term loosely) district people who inflicted a plague of plastic giraffes on the town centre, are now to deliver a giant-sized elf (just the one it appears) on a series of local venues.
Coming to a roof top near you: try not to get too excited by Croydon BID’s latest lame wheeze
No one was able to confirm whether this is the genius idea of one of Croydon BID’s directors, Jason Perry, the goblin that inhabits the Town Hall.
But in a clear display of how the people who have helped to run the borough into the ground over the past decade or more have truly lost the plot, the press release issued on behalf of Croydon BID refers to the Centrale shopping centre as “iconic” (a sorely overused and entirely misunderstood word).
One of the Town Hall goblin’s mates, Matthew Sims, Croydon BID’s very well-paid chief executive, said: “We are so excited to be bringing The Elf on the Shelf to Croydon.
“For many, this beloved holiday tradition…”, tradition? Since when? “… adds humour, magic and festive cheer each year, and we aim to do the same in our town centre,” Sims said.
“We invite you to help us name our 15-foot the Elf on the Shelf scout elf and join us in discovering his antics.” According to Sims’ sticking a 15-foot model on a few buildings for a day or so is “exciting”, and it “sprinkle a bit of seasonal magic for everyone”.
Note Sims’ studied avoidance of the word “Christmas”.
Not so big ideas: Matthew Sims, of the business ‘improvement’ district
But whoever is paid to do the PR for Sims and Croydon BID did manage to put a little trademark motif next to the words elf on the shelf every time Sims mentioned it. It is the important things that matter in Sims World, clearly.
The elf on the shelf is a “tradition” in the sense that it is in the American tradition of commercialising Christmas for all it is worth, in this case as part of someone else’s massive marketing exercise.
According to Croydon BID, the company behind this stunt has a “portfolio” including “a number of iconic Christmas brands”, all of which have the word “elf” in them. They have a few toys to flog, too. “As a global company operating in 26 countries, on five continents with 90+ licensees, our purpose is to make joyful family moments possible around the world,” they say. Which is nice.
Croydon BID charges extra business rates to more than 400 companies based in Croydon town centre, and has been doing so since 2007.
They tell us, “Croydon’s Scout Elf on the Shelf not only marks a holiday first for London but also reflects a growing trend of city-wide festive installations aimed at boosting local tourism and supporting town centres.
“Croydon hopes to see increased visitor numbers, benefitting [sic] local businesses and ensuring the town sparkles with seasonal joy.”
They claim that the elf is “one of the world’s most recognisable Christmas characters” and that “this captivating addition to Croydon’s Christmas season marks the first time London has joined the exclusive, city-wide The Elf on the Shelf experience, sure to charm locals and attract holiday visitors from across the UK and further afield”.
The plot is well and truly lost.
Croydon isn’t even the first place in England to do this. Bristol and Liverpool have used the same cheap-looking, naff plastic models before.
In the past, Croydon BID has tried to boost visitor numbers with a series of monster models placed at random locations around town. Croydon BID has never produced any metrics to demonstrate whether these exercises attracted “holiday visitors from across the UK and further afield”. You can probably guess why.
They are offering shopping token worth 100 quid as a prize to someone, anyone, who takes part in their name the elf model competition, provided that they use certain Instagram accounts and hashtags.
And just in case you are in the slightest bit intrigued, this whole, desperate, underwhelming exercise begins next week at Boozepark (oh, how fitting that that place has come to symbolise modern Croydon), and continues through to Christmas Eve “with each location offering seasonal displays and festive photo opportunities”. You can sense the excitement now, can’t you?
The venues for the elf’s appearances include what the publicity email described as “the iconic Centrale”, the Town Hall (that’ll keep the goblin happy), a firm of solicitors by the Flyover, the Fairfield Halls (which needs all the extra visitors it can get), the 100th best university in the country and, inevitably, the Whitgift Centre.
In the words of David Bowie, that’s so fucking Croydon.
Read more: Perry is director of company handed £50,000 culture grant
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ROTTEN BOROUGH AWARDS: In January 2024, Croydon was named among the country’s rottenest boroughs for a SEVENTH successive year in the annual round-up of civic cock-ups in Private Eye magazine
Mental Elf innit
it probably would have been more fitting if it was a giant troll
The goblin wouldn’t like that
You’re right, our not so ‘spritely’ Mayor would rather be goblin on a giant roll…. ahem!