For one day only: the exciting new offer in the old Allders building. And Mayor Perry gets a free box of chicken wings
Monsoon has gone. WH Smith is soon to be no more. Sainsbury’s packed up and left. So has Body Shop. But after more than a decade of broken promises, “a bold, new retail era is being launched” by Westfield in what remains of the old Allders building on Croydon’s high street.
Seven new “microshops” are set to be unveiled in the abandoned space formerly occupied by Croydon Village Outlet, a discount store that was set up in the former department store 2013 as a cynical ploy to cash in when the council came knocking with a compulsory purchase order.
Until now, Westfield has only said that it was installing seven “kiosks”.
The types of businesses included in this new venture have otherwise been kept tightly under wraps, as they continue working on their North End Quarter Masterplan for the 13th year in succession.
But Inside Croydon can reveal exclusively the full line-up of what’s set to open at midday today.
Here are the confirmed tenants:
- Wetherspoon Express – all the ambience of a full Wetherspoons, squeezed into 3 square yards (Tim Martin refuses to do metric). No toilets, no windows, terribly sticky carpets.
- Vape U Like – fruity, flashy and a little unpredictable. Just like Croydon.
- Bet 24/7 – lose money any time, day or night.
- Travel Luggage Land – premium travel bags for people going absolutely nowhere.
- Kenley Fried Chicken – where dreams are deep-fried.
- The Phone Clinic – the only thing in Croydon that still gets repaired.
Inside sources suggest that Westfield have so far been unable to find a tenant for the seventh kiosk, which could have troubling implications for the viability of the scheme overall.
“It’s getting late in the process, the cubicle is just locked up and empty at the minute,” according to a reliable source. “The number-crunchers at Westfield are prepared to consider anything, from a wellness hub, an immersive art installation or they could even do another one of those pointless ‘community engagement zones’, where the council pretends to give a shit about what the public think.”
Croydon Mayor Jason Perry, flushed with excitement and a free portion of wings, is expected to issue a press release later today claiming all the credit for the scheme himself and hailing it as “the start of something remarkable” – although he’s unlikely to say exactly what.
Croydon residents are encouraged to pop down for the grand opening at midday and support this brave new vision for retail. Or at least to stare at it in disbelief.
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I hate being negative, but bloody hell, what a thoroughly disappointing selection of shops. Nothing there that the town is lacking, or that’s useful to me, just more of the same old crap. 😞
Oh.
Ah jeez, you got me.🤦♀️😄
For a moment you had me until Kenley Fried Chicken. Good effort though and more real than the effort being invested in the Whitgift Centre than by the developers.
You forgot to add the Turkish Barber money laundering shop.
And today’s date is?
Rumour has it is, it was going to the Part-time Piss Poor Perry Propaganda Porkie Pie Shop but they ran out of P’s.
Not surprising, he’s been taking the P’s since May 2022
Can I have P please Bob?
London Square who built a block of apartment flats in West Croydon actually have a policy of not letting their commercial properties underneath their appartmenrs to like chicken shops and the above IC mentioned. It’s no joke hence probably why they are so sucessful. Hopefully Croydon BID and the council can take note.
They won’t? Or they can’t?
The retail sector is in a state of collapse, remember?
An anecdotal survey of many of these “mixed use” developments, which promise cafe society-style bars and restaurants or other retailing offerings on the ground floors of residential blocks show them often to be left vacant for years after the development has been completed.
Look at the flats built over Queen’s Gardens, which appear to have a day nursery and not much else.
Brick by Brick folded before they were able to find any takers for their unfinished library space at Norwood Junction, or under the flats at Drummond Road.
It would be good to have the editorial resource to be able to conduct a proper survey of this, to check if there is an issue with these vacant spaces in Croydon and across London. Any offers?
Just what Croydon needs another fried chicken and vape shop. It really is a dump now. All those closing down shops selling toot. Town s an eyesore.
Oh dear.
That was so very believable from the hoardings photo but that first made me wonder how a Wetherspoon Express might operate. Then I saw the IC meme Kenley Fried Chicken and the article description confirmed the mini outlets April Fool.
So much is astonishing in Croydon that spotting the parody is a challenge.
Thanks for this!
This made me cry-laugh, thank you.
Is the WH Smith shop closing, as you state? Some such shops will remain open but renamed to TG Jones.
It’s an April Fool, Adrian