It seems every election has a joker in the pack, and this year Winston McKenzie, the candidate who declared ‘Croydon is a dump!’, is once again seeking your votes.
KEN TOWL read his manifesto, so that you wouldn’t have to
In his very wordy, two-page pitch to the people of Croydon, His Excellency, Ambassador, Dr Winston McKenzie, independent candidate for Mayor of Croydon declares that, “This town needs an enema!”
McKenzie badly wants to be that enema, to insert himself figuratively up the fundament of the borough in order to create a trickle-down treat of capitalised “NEW MONEY”.
I found this promise alluring. It looked like just the sort of investment the town needs, way beyond the vague hints at cutting fly-tipping and erasing graffiti that is characteristic of more mundane candidates.
However, in the interests of democracy, big promises demand great scrutiny.
In order to raise the much-needed investment, His Excellency has “arrived at the dynamic concept of a new Commonwealth agenda”.
His plans have been checked by someone. That someone – we are not furnished with anything so sordid as a name – has categorised his plan as “a project worth doing”.
So let us take the trouble to evaluate the plan. Understandably, McKenzie boasts of his “recent appointment as a United Nations Peace Ambassador”.
This is a recently created role. So recent, in fact, that a search of the UN website does not yet provide any information about it.
Neither do the lists of the no doubt similar United Nations Goodwill Ambassadors and United Nations Messengers of Peace include the name Winston McKenzie. But if Leonardo de Caprio can be a Messenger of Peace, I have no idea why McKenzie cannot.
McKenzie’s very recent promotion to ambassadorial status has led him to move and shake with “the movers and shakers of this world”. The only mover or shaker that he names is His Eminence Professor Doctor Madhu Krishan, the “United Nations-Chairman of India” who “flew in especially” to meet McKenzie.
It turns out that Madhu is actually the honorary chairman of the UN Global Development office, an honorary position he occupies partly due to the work he has done with an organisation that supports American-style democracy in Albania and partly for his educational work with the Academy of Universal Global Peace. He is also a director of Oxford Higher Academy.
Although Oxford Higher Academy is not connected to the more famous University of Oxford in Oxford, the Academy does award degrees. You can buy them for a mere $1,800 – I think I might go for “Master of Art in Organixzational [sic] and Global Leadership”. It’s a lot quicker and cheaper than three years and £27,000-worth of student debt incurred at a bricks and mortar university. Well done, Winston!
Of the eight candidates seeking to become our urban London borough’s first executive Mayor in the elections on May 5, only McKenzie has the breadth of vision to include an agriculture agenda. Unless you count Farah London’s five-word “introduce indoor farming in Croydon” as a serious policy.
Indeed, McKenzie’s Commonwealth Holistic Agriculture Agenda will “set the pace for the regeneration of our borough”.
Since McKenzie does not specify in his manifesto just what his agenda is, I took the trouble to ask him. He emailed the answer promptly, despite being “inundated”. I have grave doubts that any of the other candidates, if elected, would do the same, particularly if they were similarly inundated.
And now the secret can be revealed: McKenzie has been appointed “Commonwealth Ambassador for a Company known as Envirolizer, Ltd., who specialise in the distribution of Holistic Fertilizer world-wide… “
This is not bullshit! It is Holistic Fertilizer! And McKenzie is doubly ambassadorial. “We will export Holistic Fertilizer from our factory in Hertfordshire to [Africa and the Caribbean] and import their produce and other products, such as silks, alcohol, exotic plants, etc. The knock-on effect will be the creation of a vibrant Commonwealth Centre in Croydon, employing an initial 10,000 people within the first six months. 5,000 for Croydon and 5,000 across the Commonwealth respectively.”
Please note that not one of the seven other Mayoral candidates has promised to deliver 5,000 jobs to the borough in the first six months of their tenure. McKenzie promises jobs for “skilled workmen and lorry drivers” as well as for sales assistants, managers, cleaners, accountants and secretaries.
I checked the financial status of Envirolizer with Companies House. Its turnover in the financial year to April 2021 was £1,746. It’s total value is minus £23,325. No doubt this will change soon after a year’s healthy sales of fertilizer by Mayor McKenzie.
Education, too, is targeted by McKenzie. In his manifesto, His Excellency posits “a new State-of-the-Art premises… housing a ‘music, Film & Dance Academy’ which will include IT & Sport”. In his email to me, he specifies turning the “Old Gas Showrooms, opposite the Fairfield Halls into a Youth Academy for home-schooled youths”. It will be ready in two years’ time.
Another reason to vote for McKenzie? The other candidates don’t want you to.
While they all, of course, beg you for your “first preference” vote, none of them suggest giving Winston your second preference. Even the otherwise generous Gavin Francis Luffa Palmer ignores him. Palmer, the former Tory candidate whose manifesto stipulates that you should “vote for an independent mayor with your first pref and second pref choice votes” illustrates this with “Pell, Under, Lon” – meaning Andrew Pelling (Independent), Peter Underwood (Green Party) and Farah London (Taking the Initiative Party). Winston McKenzie is nobody’s No2.
If this has been a little too scatological for your taste, please forgive me. I didn’t start it. The credit lies firmly at the door of Croydon’s very own Public Enema No1.
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