It has been such a long time since the IYLO BUILDING last penned a column for this site, that they return now after a makeover and with a new name, though the developers probably don’t want you to regard the building as a traffic island

Okay, people, it’s time for my New Year grumble.

How the marketing agency’s artists sees The Island development, existing in a Croydon where the roads have not come to a grinding standstill

Happy New Year? How very dare you. Another year added to the calendar just reminds me that, after seven loooong years, I’m still sitting here feelin’ like a prat.

“Seven years?” I hear you asking. “Has that eye-sore really been around for seven years?”

Just watch it. I’m not an eye-sore any more, I must give my latest owners some credit. Why, I’ve even had my portrait painted (which might well have air-brushed some of the less attractive-looking neighbours to make Croydon seem a touch more appealling).

While I’m still waiting for residents to move in, it looks like most of my external work has been completed. My hoardings have been taken down, although only to expose industrial detritus, including over-flowing skips.

My marketing agency Regency calls me an “elegant 20-story tower” and “an exciting development of 1-, 2- and 3-bedroom apartments”.

Elegant and exciting! Did you hear that?! High flattery indeed and my psychologists think that the continuation of such praise can only lift my depression and many other neuroses brought on by years of neglect.

This video was also a major boost.

I like how the music and the blur of lights make me look like I was the great and powerful Hammersfield itself.

So much so, the other day my marketing friends decided to big-up our mates at Westfield on Twitter. But some smart Alec decided to highlight how they might have been at least five years premature in respect of when the regeneration thing actually happens.

I hope that I may soon be able to stop my medication altogether, though.

However, I am reminded that I need to pass on to the local council an invoice for psychological services amounting to several millions. That includes bills from the building across the street – the poor dear has also had to seek counselling. He looks a wreck.

I still suffer from anxiety attacks due to several worries, the first regarding the traffic problems I may cause in the future. I am afraid I will be the cause of a traffic clusterfuck.

I will contain 183 residences and 11 penthouses and that’s a lot of cars coming and going into a difficult roundabout. And if you’ve flown in from the Far East to take a look at your £1.2million penthouse, you’d expect to have somewhere safe to park your Ferrari…

I also worry about proper space for the children who live in me. Where will they play?And won’t the air quality in the middle of a traffic island be a bit… well, polluted?

But my friends doing the marketing tell me that’s not anything to worry about – most of the up-scale apartments won’t have adults or children in them, but will just stand empty, gradually accumulating in value, as well as dust.

The Island’s neighbour, a visible sign of the regeneration that’s “just a step away”

Wait until the flat buyers take a look around the place. My shrinks warn me that I will probably require further psychological assistance when investors fly in from overseas and realise exactly where I really am.

Just 15 minutes from central London the agents have told them. If only they had installed that helicopter pad on my head.

I fear that seeing so many crest-fallen faces when they’ve had a look around the “regenerated” neighbourhood will make me a nervous wreck again.

One thing I am looking forward to is Sainsburys moving into my ground floor, which is always a possibility in this town. Some of my fellow Croydon buildings are wondering if the dapper new Bernard Weatherill House is in a serious relationship with Miss Sainsbury, or if they are just having casual sex.

I will tell you that Mr NLA is furious over the matter. He says he was at least worth a Waitrose or an M&S Food.

By the way, for those of you who are wasting your lives on Twitter, I have decided to up my game there. I am now @IslandCroydon, and I won’t stand for any messing around. I will soon be a proper member of Croydon society.

My life coach recommended that I eschew low-rent social media connections. My flats start at a cool £300,000, so I need to “act in a manner that befits my status”. Those were her exact words.

And then she pressed the block button on Inside Croydon…

• Council orders halt to work on Menta site over unpaid levy
• Londoners being priced out of London by social cleansing
• Selling a dream from £400,000 flats beside a railway line

Coming to Croydon

• David Lean Cinema, Mr Turner, Jan 8
• David Lean Cinema, Leviathan, Jan 13
• Norwood Society talk: Penge, the making of a suburb, Jan 15
• David Lean Cinema, The 78 Project Movie, Jan 15
• David Lean Cinema, Hannah Arendt, Jan 20
• David Lean Cinema, The Imitation Game, Jan 22
• South Croydon business breakfast, Jan 24
• David Lean Cinema, Night Will Fall, Jan 27 (Holocaust Memorial Day)
• David Lean Cinema, Kon-Tiki, Jan 29
• Soul Symphony Community Choir taster session, Feb 3
• Norwood Society talk: Crystal Palace and Dulwich, Feb 19
• Amy Wadge and Luke Jackson, Stanley Halls, Feb 28
• Norwood Society talk: Charlies Dickens in Norwood, Mar 19
• Norwood Society: Balloons and airships at Crystal Palace, Apr 16

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  Inside Croydon: Croydon’s only independent news source, based in the heart of the borough: 729,297 page views in 2014. If you have a news story about life in or around Croydon, a residents’ or business association or local event, please email us with full details at inside.croydon@btinternet.com