Comedy special on BBC this morning, where the Sunday Politics – apparently a serious current affairs programme, even though presented by Andrew “Brillo Pad” Neil – featured an item on how unrepresentative Parliament is, on the housing crisis, and briefly on London Mayor Boris Johnson’s unapproved purchase of three water cannon for the Metropolitan Police.

You mean you expect me to represent your views? How ridiculous! “Sir” Richard Ottaway, the absentee MP for Croydon South

Who did the BBC have on as an “expert” guest for its London regional segment? None other than “Sir” Tricky Dicky Ottaway, a Tory MP so detached from his constituents that he has never lived in Croydon South for the whole of the 20-year period he has supposedly been representing the area.

Apparently, there’s not much affordable housing in Tricky Dicky’s constituency, said the resident of a £1 million-plus country house in Bletchingley, Surrey.

Tricky Dicky (white, male and distinctly officer class) is the epitome of the unrepresentative Member of Parliament. Rather than meet his constituents, Ottaway prefers to call out the police, claiming he fears for his life when attending his regular constituency surgeries.

Thing is, after two decades on the Westminster gravy train, Ottaway remains better known for the strokes he pulled in claiming generous expenses than anything he has ever done for the people he is supposed to represent.

And on BBC1 this morning, Tricky Dicky demonstrated quite how out-of-touch he is with the people of Croydon when he backed the use of water cannon by saying, “In 2012, the riots we had in Croydon, I think those water cannons would have made one heck of a difference.”

The riots occurred in Croydon, including in some parts of Ottaway’s Croydon South constituency, on August 8, 2011.

But this may well have slipped Tricky Dicky’s memory, since rather than deal with the post-riots issues of businesses and residents in Croydon, he went off on a sailing holiday instead.

Ahoy there: Richard Ottaway sails away from Croydon’s troubles in August 2011

It is not the first time Ottaway has signalled his detachment from reality – even in the week of the riots in 2011, he demonstrated that he did not even know what day of the week it was.

“Croydon may be a very different place today if we’d had them,” Tricky Dicky continued on water cannon, without specifying what he meant by this.

“The police have got to make the operational decisions about when to use them, but I think they can be effective in certain circumstances.”

Ottaway described the £200,000 of public money being spent on the three obsolete vehicles by the London Mayor as “a bargain” – this from a man who once paid £5,395 for a bed bought from Harrods, and expected the tax-payer to pick up half of the bill.

Ottaway dismissed the suggestion that Boris may yet be denied permission by the Home Office to use the water cannon in London. “I suspect he’s had a nudge and wink that there’s some guidance coming from the Home Secretary. That’s my judgement.”

His views on the use of water cannon, for someone so detached from the events, are intriguing, and seemingly founded on utter ignorance.

As anyone who had paid any attention to the events of 8/8 and the post-riots inquiries would know, the major problem faced by Croydon’s under-staffed and under-resourced police on the night was that, when they tried to call up help from Scotland Yard’s strategic command, the response was too little, too late. The same thing happened earlier this month when the local police found that it could not control the illegal rave at East Croydon.

A proper B’stard: signalling contempt for the people of Croydon

If the Met can’t manage to deploy half a dozen van-loads of riot-trained police in a timely fashion to outer-London at four hours’ notice, how can they ever hope to get an operational water cannon to where it is “needed” to disperse a crowd?

Assuming, of course, that Home Secretary Theresa May – and a rival to Boris for the leadership of the Conservative Party – ever licenses the use of water cannon in mainland Britain.

• Arise Sir Tricky Dicky Ottaway – Croydon’s dark knight
• Absent MP Ottaway doesn’t know what day it is
• Crisis? What Crisis? Ottaway’s getaway on his yacht
• Right? Honourable? Ottaway’s expenses easily forgotten

Coming to Croydon

• Croydon Careers Fair, North End, June 30
• David Lean Cinema: Calvary, July 3
• Coast to Capital business briefing, July 4
• Basically Johnny Moped at Stanley Tech, July 8
• David Lean Cinema: We Are The Best!, July 10
• Croydon Folk and Blues Festival, July 12
• David Lean Cinema: Half of a Yellow Sun, July 17
• David Lean Cinema: Pantani: Accidental Death of a Cyclist, July 21
• David Lean Cinema: Tracks, July 24
• Fragile, Spread Eagle Theatre, July 24-26
• CODA’s Midsummer Night’s Dream at Wandle Park, Jul 30-Aug 2
• David Lean Cinema: Locke, July 31
• Elm Tree Cottage garden open day, Aug 10
• Norwood Society Talk: War Memorials, Sep 18
• Norwood Society Talk: From Fire Station to Theatre, Oct 16
• Norwood Society Talk: Lambeth’s Archives, Nov 20

Inside Croydon: Croydon’s only independent news source, based in the heart of the borough: 72,342 average monthly page views (Jan-Mar 2014)

If you have a news story about life in or around Croydon, a residents’ or business association or local event, please email us with full details at inside.croydon@btinternet.com